anorexia, body positivity, bulimia, eating disorders, mental health

Am I Body Neutral?

I am a twenty-five year old woman. I have a body. A useful body, a strong body, an average body. There was a time (up until very recently) when my body was the thing that consumed my every thought, my every emotion. My thoughts about my body were hateful, shameful, rude. I wanted to be in any other body apart from my own. I compared myself to every other woman, and wanted to have their abs, their thighs, their arms. Everyone was better than me in some way. I was in constant competition with everyone around me, and they were winning.

I dealt with this rejection of my body by desperately trying to lose weight. I tried every diet going –  I was a vegetarian, I was on the paleo diet. I tried the 5:2 diet, the Atkins diet, Weight Watchers and other similar diets. I turned up to dieting class every week almost fainting from not eating and having worked out to exhaustion and so anxious that I had put up weight. I starved myself, then binged, and got sick and started again.

I had such body dysmorphia that I thought I was huge and that everyone was looking at me and judging me. I felt like people could literally see what I had eaten in a huge bubble over my head and I felt ashamed.

I broke the bulimia cycle by starting to write down my thoughts and moods around food in a diary. I quickly realized my attitude towards food was extremely unhealthy. I was not feeding my body for strength or for concentration, I was feeding it just enough to be kept alive so I could work out.

So I started to notice things about myself that I did like – things I was good at, parts of my personality that were nice. I wrote them down and read them every morning. I started to push myself to socialize more and to start doing things I enjoyed. I started talking about my thoughts and expressing them in a healthier way. I would literally say ‘I’m having bad thoughts about myself’ and just accept it was happening. I stopped working out when I felt tired and stopped pushing myself to lose weight. I began to accept my natural body – A.K.A the body that I had when I ate normally and didn’t work out all the time.

Then I discovered the body positive community. I found out there were other people who had recovered from eating disorders and were beginning to love their bodies as they were. It was a relief. To see them embracing their fat, embracing their curves and their natural bodies was a relief. Because I wasn’t the only one who had cellulite, a stomach that wasn’t flat and imperfect skin. I also wasn’t the only one who had previously hated their body, and had struggled with body image. The bodies were all different shapes and sizes. It was eye-opening.

But was I ready to drop all the self-loathing and self-criticism? Frankly, no.

It took me my whole life to build those negative thoughts, I could hardly toss them away for positive thoughts straight away. So where did that leave me?

Am I body neutral?

I no longer loathe my body. I can look in the mirror and feel fine about what I see rather than wanting to scream. I can accept that my body is useful and strong. I can accept that I now wear clothes that are maybe a size bigger than what I used to be. But I wear them proudly. I don’t yet love my body. But I am growing towards having more positive feelings about it. Sometimes. Sometimes I still feel frustrated that I am not naturally slender. But those feelings pass, and I move on and think about something more important.

I accept my body as it is. I know that it could be thinner, or stronger, but I am fine with how it is right now. And I have more important things in my life rather than worrying about being thin.

My goals are to eat well, nourish my body and to exercise when I feel up to it. That’s it.

So yeah I think I’m body neutral at the moment – working towards body positivity.





2 thoughts on “Am I Body Neutral?”

  1. That’s a wonderful post, my dear!

    And let me wish you a very, very happy & healthy 2018!

    Health is our biggest asset &, undoubtedly, loving your body goes unsaid. We all need to love the body we live in; because that’s where we get to live absolutely rent-free & is something we didn’t have to slog our lives to earn! It’s a free gift, & all we have to do is just take care of it. And it’ll never stop to love us back. Isn’t it? Only when we start to love our bodies, will we be able to make the best out of it.

    A perfect body never exists, but a healthy one, definitely, CAN.Body perfection is just a matter of perception & that’s totally subjective.Everybody has a different idea of perfection.

    So, as long as you’re fit enough to not fall prey to diseases & can age with grace, you’re good to go!


    1. Yes I totally agree. It’s up to us to look after our bodies, they are precious and we need to take care of ourselves. However, we need to learn to accept our bodies for what they are and what they can do for us. Thank you for reading! xx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s